Home and one last adventure

Home tomorrow!  Happy and sad.  Pray for safe travels, wisdom for next steps, patience. 

And of course, I couldn't get out of here without one last adventure.  I went to the immigration office with my Guatemalan brotha on Friday in order to pay my fine for letting my visa expire.  In true Guatemalan style, his plan to pick me up at 2 pm turned into 3 pm, and then he finally arrived at 3:30 pm.  Because no trip can be completed without at least one stop, and without some traffic issues, we arrived to the immigration office at 4:20 pm before their 4:30 closing time, after leaving Wan to drive the van and dashing out in the middle of traffic to get to the office.  Once we arrived at the office we ran to the 4th floor office to find out that the bank to pay the fine at closed at 4:10.  Jorge ran to the bank to find out if we could still pay, then ran back and said we could, so the paperwork was cojmpleted, and we ran to the bank.  The bank said they were closed!  But he explained that we just asked, and they checked with someone, who had one form left for the day, and she printed my receipt!  I paid at the bank, ran to the 1st floor to make copies, and ran to the 4th floor to finish the paperwork!  Thankfully, everything worked out well.  However, in the meantime, Wan had been driving the van down through the city and got lost!  So when Jorge wanted to have him come pick us up, it wasn't possible.  When we finally figured out where Wan had ended up, Jorge said we needed to take a bus there!  Yikes.  It was a little scary, but when we got off the bus we were in front of the Eiffel Tower!  Or at least, the Guatemalan replica of the Eiffel Tower.  There was a Guatemalan president many years ago that had been fascinated with France and had a replica of the Eiffel Tower built in Zone 1 of Guatemala City, and also had many of the streets in that zone structured like the streets in Paris.  So since we were there I had Jorge take my picture in front of the Eiffel Tower.  The ambience leaves a bit to be desired though, since it is surrounded by busy streets and car repair stores.  I imagine it is a bit different from Paris.  

Anger management

When I work at the shelter I lead group with the women, and we talk about various topics, like self esteem, emotions, communication, and this week the topic was controlling our emotions and anger management.  At first, the women had difficulty opening up, and even denied having any anger issues at all.  They said they didn't really need to address that topic!  It was really funny, especially since I know for a fact that at least one of them does have serious anger management issues, since she has told me her story and admitted that she used to be part of a gang, and her old way of dealing with issues was to physically hurt or kill others.  So, I pressed on with the topic of the week!  :)    They did open up a bit, which was cool.  I provided a handout of principles for managing anger, and one of them was to talk with the person you're angry with, which really surprised all the women!  They couldn't believe that I would ask that of them.  CO MU NI CA CIÓN (communication).  They are finally understanding its importance, and we got to have a good discussion about it.  But when I asked for a demonstration and provided an example--they were so stubborn!

We continued with the anger management discussion on Friday, where I was able to provide a great example of anger management and communication.  One of the ladies, the one who particularly struggles with anger management, pointed out while I was speaking that there were bugs on the couch behind me.  Of course, she told me this in Spanish, using words I didn't know, along with some gestures. I understood enough words and gestures that I got that there was something going on behind me.  And I freaked out, big time.  Especially since there had recently been a lice outbreak at the shelter.  I jumped, and squealed, and said things in English that no one could understand (good thing, for sure), when the women said "What's the problem, you're scared of some little bugs?"  Umm, ya think?  I explained in an agitated tone of voice that I don't like insects, and it's difficult for me when I don't understand what they are telling me. To which the women replied, ANGER MANAGEMENT and COMUNICACIÓN.  Oops.  Nailed.  I then showed them my stellar emotional control (haha) by stating that I felt frustrated when I couldn't understand what she was saying, and then I really was scared by the bugs, and then I felt sad that they were laughing at me.  And then I took several deep breaths.  And we continued talking.  Group session saved! 

I thought you all would like that!  :) 
Thanks soooo much for your support.   

Newsflash

I can't fix people.  Nor am I supposed to.  I need to remember that God did not put me here to save the world--He already did that.  He is choosing to use me in this world, to show love to His people and use the gifts He has given me, but I CANNOT FIX PEOPLE.  I need to get that through my head.  My only job is to show them the hope they have in Christ.  God is faithful, and He is good.  He is good. He is good.  Even when life is hard, and it hurts, and people we love get hurt, and struggle, and we have to watch them struggle and hurt because we can't fix them.  Or beat up or fix the people who are hurting the people we love.  God is good, and He gives grace, and He is faithful.  Please continue to pray for my friends in Villa Nueva--Satan is working really hard there to break down that community and hurt my friends.  Please also pray for the women at the shelter as the work to heal from old wounds and move forward with their lives. 

Only 10 days til I come home!  The anxiety continues to build, as much as I tell myself to trust God and His plan for the next steps.  The unknown is just plain scary.  Please pray for wisdom, patience, and a smooth transition. 

On Monday I climbed the Pacaya Volcano!  It was the volcano that blew up last May.  It was really fun, but a really hard hike.  And a little anti-climactic too, because I just expected it to be really cool once we got to the "peak" or whatever, but it wasn't like an amazing sight or whatever, just a lot of burned rock.  There was a cool cave that we walked into that was really hot like a sauna.  Our guide said it was safe as long as we didn't touch the rock!  We also roasted marshmallows over the lava of one of the craters that had been carved out when the volcano erupted.  That was awesome.  And then we kept climbing!  I'm not sure why, but the boys in the group wanted to keep going, so we went higher and higher, and saw more of the actual peak of the volcano, and then slid down all kinds of loose rock, like running down a dune but with rock and reallllly thick black sand instead of the nice stuff at Holland beach.  It was dirty.  Overall, a very fun Guatemala experience that I'm glad I got to do. 

A good weekend, a hard day

Last weekend I went to Panajachel, a tourist town that is on Lake Atitlan, one of the most beautiful lakes in the entire world.  It was a lot of fun.  I went with a friend who works for Young Life here in Guatemala City, and she visited with a friend there who wants to start the Young Life program in Panajachel.  Pana is an interesting town because it is very hippie-ish, with lots of drugs and people who just hang out, and have interesting ideas and viewpoints.  The friend we visited is not one of those people though, and she introduced us to her friends, which was cool.  We took a boat across the lake and I thought maybe we would all die!  Life jackets are not an important boater safety tool here, nor are weight limits or people limits on these boats.  I think on the way back from the party across the lake we took an entire village of indigenous folks with us, none of whom spoke Spanish or had showered in many weeks.  The best part of the weekend was meeting people.  I think that's the best part of my time in Guatemala.  That and the scenery.  It's an excessively beautiful country.  But Saturday night we met this beautiful couple who shared with us their story. The girl is an American, the guy from Nicaragua, and they met in Costa Rica. She saw him at a bus stop and gave him her number.  (Mom, I would never do that, stop panicking).  They couldn't talk to each other though because she didn't speak Spanish and he didn't speak English! They spoke through friends until he taught her Spanish, and they fell in love, blah blah blah....she has been doing various volunteer and humanitarian things in different countries, he has been in different countries working.  They are now engaged, and trying to get him a visa so they can move to the US and so he can meet her family, but it's super hard.  They were really cute, really genuine people who were genuinely interested in getting to know people.  We also went to church in a coffee shop in Pana, which was interesting.  It truly embodied the sentiment that wherever a few are gathered God is there, and that all are welcome in the kingdom of Christ, because there were some definite characters there.  It was fun to worship in a different setting. 

Yesterday I drove in Guatemala!  The director of the shelter needed a ride to Villa Nueva, where I used to live, because she had to speak at a church there, and asked if I would drive her!  I used the car of another staff person at the shelter, and we were off!  It went really well, but I was so nervous.  And so was Pamela, the director.  It was funny to watch her drive in the passenger seat, with her foot "pressing the brake" when she thought I should be stopping.  She said her foot hurt when we got home!  :)  While we were there I got to go visit my friends while she spoke at the church, since we were so close by. 

Visiting my friends and my kids and everyone yesterday was really hard for me and I'm feeling really sad about it today.  My boys that I taught there said they miss me sooo much and they don't have anyone to talk to, no one to teach them and fill in the gaps even though they are attending school now.  They have had so much loss in their life, it breaks my heart that they continue to lose people close to them, people they trust, that I may have contributed to hurting them because I helped open them up, helped them trust, then left and gave them loss and hurt all over again.  I also saw Frank, who I had been good friends with and he had been a good support for me when I first got there.  Through the past few months he has been making poor decisions, slowly self destructing.  Finally, Pastor Jorge and the other leadership had to ask him to move out of where he had been living, since the building was owned by the church.  He had been living with Wan, the Korean American missionary who also worked in the community.   I saw Frank yesterday, selling eggs by the bus stop.  I also saw the outside of his new house, made of that aluminum stuff, looking about to fall apart.  It breaks my heart to think about it.  I know in my head that he makes his own decisions, and he has to face the consequences of those decisions, but to see him there selling eggs at the bus stop, knowing his struggle, and the struggle he will have to support himself and live by himself made me start sobbing during Spanish class today while trying to explain it to my teacher.  How do we find God in this?  In the poverty, the violence, the mess we make?  Is it in the praising and thanking God that I've been talking about?  Probably, but I'm not there today.  Where is the hope?  I think that's the missing link.  We need hope. I need to know that these people have hope, and yesterday and today I've felt kind of hopeless, that these people that I love will be stuck in these situations forever. 
But what I do have today is prayer.  Please pray for Frank, Federico, Marvin, Byron, Sandra, and Darvin.  And keep me in your prayers too!  I come back to the states on March 16 and I'm praying a lot about what God wants me to do, whether it's in Michigan, Guatemala, another country, another state, wherever it may be, or whatever I may do.  I need it to be clear because uncertainty is really hard. 

Alaba a Dios

I've gotten to do a lot of cool things over the past few weeks, like tour a coffee farm, walk to the top of the hill where the cross is that overlooks the city of Antigua, spend time with friends, get a good haircut, and work with some amazing women.  I'm really blessed, yet staying in thankfulness and praise to God is still so hard.  I wonder why.  It seems like I have to make it a discipline for me, when in reality there are so many small and large things to be thankful for that it should be flowing out of me.  And, not only should we be praising for the good things, but also for the challenges and the days when we need extra grace to get through.  There's this song in Spanish that lists all kinds of different things, like when something good happens, Alaba a Dios (praise God), and when something bad happens, alaba a Dios, and when you're going throught the fire, alaba a Dios, and then it repeats it over and over, alaba a Dios, alaba a Dios, alaba a Dios.  It's a beautiful song, and a beautiful reminder of God's grace, our need to trust him, and praise him for what He's doing.  I highly recommend the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp if you want to read more about this. 

Last weekend I hung out at the Paradise Bound mission base in Chimaltenango, about an hour from where I'm living right now.  Paradise Bound is the mission with whom I originally came to Guatemala, and they welcome groups from the United States to go to rural villages to build houses and do medical clinics.  They had a group at the base last week from Michigan and Iowa and I joined them for a couple days.  It was really cool to see the country, the people, the hunger for the gospel, and the poverty through the eyes of a "visitor" or a "newbie".  I notice the poverty, of course, but to see it again from a fresh perspective was really inspiring, as well as was sharing the gospel in the medical clinic that I joined the group for.  The people were hungry for the gospel, and building relationships with the people and showing them love and compassion was awesome.  It's easy to get complacent when you're serving in the same place for awhile, thinking "oh, they've heard my story, they've heard me talk about Jesus, they won't change," but what we have to share is important and can't wait!   And, I was surprised and pleased to discover that my Spanish has improved so much!  Language school is helping! 

My work at the shelter is going well.  We're having group a few times a week.  This week we've talked about communication.  I think this is one we'll have to have a few more sessions on!  One woman in particular has suffered extreme abuse at the hands of her husband, and also has epilepsy.  Last week she had several seizures in one day and we had to call the paramedics.   This is scary for all the women and children.  This woman's education level is a little lower than the others, and she struggles with good personal hygiene as well.  She has several barriers to being able to survive independently, and also has shown that her history of being abused is going to affect her ability to be a good mother.  Please keep her in your prayers. 

Finally, some things I'm thankful for:  the women's shelter and its availability for the women of Guatemala, that I get to live in this beautiful country and see volcanoes and mountains covered by clouds and beautiful trees and flowers and sunshine and getting a suntan!, the smile lines around the eyes of someone who smiles a lot, a good haircut done by a new friend, sharing dinner with new friends, listening to someone trying to learn how to play (and pronounce the name of) the hammered dulcimer because it was left in their house, the positive reframe of my thoughts from thinking something was my fault, to praising God for the work He will do in that person's life and for using me however He may have. 

¨Feelings and junk¨

I received a friendly reminder from my (awesome) brother that I haven't posted in awhile, but I kind of feel at a loss for words at the end of the day.  So I'm trying to squeeze this in at the beginning, before the yells of "we're loading up!" come heading this way.  And I was just informed that since I was the last one in the van yesterday, I'd better be the first one there today!  Definitely different from living with the Guatemalan family!  (UPDATE: I didn´t make it. I´m finishing this later in the day. But I was the second one in the van AND I got the front seat!!)
When I asked my brother what he thought I should write about, he said "feelings and junk." So here goes...

The schedule of language school and the shelter is hard some days, very tiring because it requires a lot of thinking and leaves me drained, but I do enjoy it.  I'm leading groups at the shelter and the women are really connecting with them.  Last week we continued to talk about self esteem, and they had a lot to share, a couple of them opening up and sharing more than they ever had.  However, it´s also really hard and sad to hear their stories and absorb all of the stuff they´ve been through.  One woman used to be in a gang and had her first child at the age of 13.  She has three children now, her youngest is 1 year old.  Only the one year old is living with her, the other two have been taken away because she abused them.  She was talking to me about feeling jealous and upset because she feels one of the other women is being treated differently than she is, and she said when she was in the gang, they dealt with things like this by killing the other person, and she has been crying and praying and begging God to change her feelings because she wants to change and not be this person that killed people.  Thankfully, we´re learning about self esteem and she is seeking God for her answers and change.  But it´s really hard to take all of this in. 

This past weekend I was really missing home, and missing my Guatemalan family and community, so I went back to Villa Nueva to visit them.  It felt really good to go back and hang out there for the day.  I saw my boys that I had been teaching, and they are attending a for real school now!  It´s a little challenging for them, but they like it.  The oldest boy is having the hardest time and needs more to do because he only goes to school on Saturdays, but he´s doing his best.  The boys showed me that they put a picture of me on their wall, and I started crying!  They are so precious.  The oldest started crying too when I told him how precious he is and how much value he has, and how he is going to do great things in his life.  He doesn´t get to hear that, but I pray that he believes it.  So many precious people in that community, part of my family now and I just love them!  Pablito is 2 now and he talks so well!  I ran up to him and he said Hola Amy right away!  Melted my heart. 

I´m getting lots of questions about what I´m going to do when I go home, since it´s just six weeks away, and it´s making me really anxious.  Short answer:  No idea.  Long answer:  I really really have no idea but I´m trying really hard to trust God with it.  I´ve been trying to figure it out, what I ¨should¨ do, but then I discovered that really, I don´t need to figure it out.  God will show me, and he is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.  At first I was focusing on the Bible verse Psalm 37:4, Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  And I thought, well, I really want this one thing, but God won´t do that for me because I´ve had to wait for all of these other desires that I have and the job that I had got taken away from me, etc.  But then someone pointed out to me that what we have or think we want isn´t necessarily what´s good for us, or what we need to be desiring.  I could be desiring crack cocaine, but God´s not gonna give me that. (For the record, I´m not desiring crack cocaine, that was an example).  I was upset when I lost my job but the job I had wasn´t really the job I wanted to do. I didn´t like it that much.  So even though I may have this desire and I think it´s a good one, one that would honor Him and be for His glory, He will do immeasurably more than I can imagine, and I will sit here and trust that and try not to get anxious about it. 

Prayer requests:  That I could hear God´s voice as I look to the future, and see Him working as I enjoy today.  Pray for some of my friends in Villa Nueva: Federico, Darvin, Sandra, Pastor Jorge, Jorgito and Shirley.  Pray for my good friends Rueben and Sunday and their baby Danika at home in GR, as Danika has surgery today to take out precancerous cells that were found in a tumor on the back of her leg. 

Life has taken on a new rhythm with my move and ministry change.  I started at the women's shelter last week, and also started attending Spanish classes in Antigua everyday, for 4 hours every morning.  And then I work at the shelter 4 afternoons a week.  It's very busy, but the routine is nice.  As with any new thing, figuring out the ins and outs and what my role is has been challenging, but a good kind of challenging.  I'm also learning to make jewelry with the women, which is so fun.  On Monday I led group for the women and we talked about self esteem.  It went so well, and I was so encouraged by their receptiveness to it.  I come home everyday really tired...I haven't worked such a full day, including school and everything, without being able to squeeze a nap in, in practically a year!  :)  I guess it's good for me. 

This past weekend I went to Mazatenango, about 3 hours away, with one of the staff at the shelter to visit her family.  It was so much fun.  I got to ride through town on a moped, play Bancopoly (the Guatemalan version of Monopoly) with a bunch of little kids, and we went to Guatemala's Disney World.  My friend's nephew has a pet squirrel!  Apparently squirrels are very rare here, and they found one and took it into captivity!  They also had pet ducks!  I laughed my head off when I saw the squirrel.  And the town we were in does not see many gringas (white people), so I was quite a novelty and got a lot of attention. 

And counting my blessings....but I can't remember what number I left off at!

-new friends
-pet squirrels
-grace
-the ability to learn new things
-a community of support
-laughter
-Bancopoly